Jokes, Puns, and One-Liners

Travel tip: If you're ever in plane crash in the Andes, eat the vegetarians first.

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Police arrested a couple of kids yesterday.

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one, and they let the other one off.

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“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

“I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.”

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The inventor of throat lozenges has died.

There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

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I told my yoga instructor to teach me the splits.

She asked, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t do weekdays.”

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My girlfriend said she’s going to leave me because of my gambling problem.

Bulls*@t. She’s bluffing.

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What do you call an amputee who can’t answer riddles?

Stumped.

   (I’ll show myself out…)