You know you're getting old when,
each time you order wine at a restaurant, you find yourself sounding more and
more like Thurston Howell III.
~~~~~
Picture someone stepping down off a curb
that they didn’t realize was there.
Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
~~~~~
That awkward moment when Sean Connery is
trying to train his dog to sit but it keeps pooping on the floor…
~~~~~
I'm having a philosophical debate with
this cute barmaid. She
likes to think of my glass as half full, and I like to think of her as half naked.
~~~~~
“The guy who kidnapped us is asleep. Let’s
go.”
Pete Carroll: I’ll pass.
“You sure? Because running seems like the
easy choi…”
I’LL PASS
~~~~~
Okay, here’s something. How come
those fans that move their heads back and forth are "oscillating,"
but when I watch tennis I have to say I'm "moving my head back and
forth?"
What’s up with that?
I'm a fan, too.
~~~~~
“Who am I?”
– Descartes
“Why am I?”
-
Camus
“What am I?”
-
Chopped Liver
~~~~~
My
new goal in life is to become a successful musician, someone who changes the
way music is made, reaches the hearts and souls of millions of people, EXPLODE
on the scene and transform it so quickly and uniquely that I will take the
Grammys by storm next year. Then, as I
walk up on stage to accept my award, I’ll make a crack about Beyoncé to ensure
Kanye comes up to, upon which time I will knock him the #@!! out.
After
that, I’ll fake my own death and go back to teaching seminars.
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