How To Be a Superhero

How To Be a Superhero

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 Deciding on a Superhero name

    

* Don't call yourself by your real name (e.g. Mr Fred Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster).

* Don't call yourself by someone else's real name (e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin).

* Choose a name that suggests power, heroism, and prowess (e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman).

* But don't belabor the point (e.g. Mr. So-F***ing-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy).

* Don't be too modest (e.g. Mr Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredible Man).

* Don't choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting image (e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr. Asshole, Yellow Streak, Purple Helmet, Captain Evil, Dr. Shit-For-Brains).

* Don't choose a name with a sexual double meaning. For example, AC/DC man is not a good name for a man with electrical powers.

* Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

* It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition; it's just asking for trouble.

* Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy...if you're not.    

* Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy...if you're a girl.

* Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady...if you're a man (even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body).

* Don't give away any important information in your name (e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable to Strontium 90).

* Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume.  You'll confuse people.

    

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Sidekicks

    

Advantages of a Boy Wonder

    

* They can watch your back in the thick of a fight.

* They can carry your accessory belt if you're feeling lazy.

* They make you look taller and hunkier by comparison.

* They're small and supple enough to wriggle out of their bonds and free you from Puffinmaster's diabolical death trap--just in time!

* They're just about the right height for headbutting or biting a super villain in the nuts--which makes them a force to be feared in the criminal underworld!

* They're someone you can explain the plot to for the benefit of particularly slow readers.

* They can give your comic a vital sales boost--simply by getting themselves killed.

* When they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted frenzied rampage of violent revenge--and keep those sales figures high!

    

Disadvantages of a Boy Wonder

    

* They'd much rather stay in and play X-Box than go out on patrol.

* They get shy and awkward when confronted by a female supervillain.

* They pick their noses when you're with the Police Commissioner.

* They want to wear a Walkman into combat.

* People talk...

* A 13-year-old boy is no match for a 210-lb criminal psychopath with a death-ray glare.

* They go into a sulk if you won't play a twelve-day game of Dungeons & Dragons with them.

* They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the Crimemobile.

* They never tidy up after themselves in the Crimecave, so the whole place quickly gets littered with dirty t-shirts, comics, skateboards, apes, discarded bubblegum, catcher's mitts, smelly socks, half-eaten candy bars, half-finished model cars, long forgotten packets of contraceptives bought in a moment of supreme bravado and overconfidence, dirty plates, CDs out of their cases, stroke mags, tubes of acne cream, and crumpled tissues.

* They don't wash often enough, so they smell.

* They think it's funny to suddenly fart in public.

* They can easily be taunted by supervillains into bursting into tears and running off--simply by pointing and shouting, "Virgin, Virgin! Look everybody, there's a virgin Boy Wonder over here!"

* They'll quite happily play stickball in the midst of $20 million worth of delicate criminology lab equipment.

* They get carsick in the Crimemobile.

* In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell, "Battle maneuver 18, chum!" -- because chances are they can't count up that high.

* They call you things like 'The Big Enchillada' or 'Super-Dude.'

* They get zits and look real unsightly.

* They think your bald spot is hilarious.

* They talk crap.

* They make you feel very old.

    

Advantages of a Girl Wonder

    

* They look much better than a Boy Wonder.

* People don't automatically assume that you're, you know, that way...

* Overall, they're much more intelligent and mature than boys of the same age.

* People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of such a hot babe.

* Supervillains get dead jealous of you.

* You might get lucky.

    

Disadvantages of a Girl Wonder

    

* They're always holding slumber parties in the Crimecave.

* One tiny zit and they're out of action for at least two weeks.

* They insist on having at least a dozen different costumes to wear.

* They won't fight crime if Smashing Pumpkins are on MTV.

* They won't fight crime if they're waiting for a phone call .

* Other superheroes will try to steal her away from you.

* They kill people when they're premenstrual.

* They jam up the Emergency Crime Hotline with calls to Tammi, Samantha, Jo-Jo, Mindy, Mandi, Shelley, Bernice, Pam, Tina, Linda, Sandy, Crissy, the Berkowitz Twins--and Jim.

* If you receive an emergency call at 2am and their hair's in curlers-- forget it!

* They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master.

* Their approach to fighting supervillains tends to be strictly limited to pulling his hair, slapping his face, or hitting him with a shoe.

* They get crushes on your arch enemy because "He's like so totally dark an' mysterious an' mean an' moody--but that's only 'cause someone musta rilly, rilly hurt him bad one time. I can tell...  etc. etc. etc."

* They won't watch your back in combat if you failed to notice their new hair style.

* They get upset if you and your arch enemy start shouting at each other during battle.