(via)
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
One day, at the pharmacy...
A man walked into a drug store
and asked to speak with a male
pharmacist.
The woman to whom he was speaking
said that she and her sister were the only
pharmacists,
and they owned the store, and that there were no male employees.
Then she asked how
she could help him.
The man reiterated that he really
would
’ve preferred to speak with a male
pharmacist. Again, she assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
He reluctantly agreed and began
by saying, "As a shy man, this is difficult for me to discuss,
but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than
four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me
for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a
minute, let me talk this over with my sister."
When she returned, she said,
"We discussed it at length
and this
is the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3 ownership in the
store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living
expenses."
(Thanks, Billy!)
Monday, March 30, 2015
One day, on the golf course...
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Male or Female?
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TYRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female…Ha!…you thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
CRITIC: Female. What, this needs to be explained?
What Teachers Make
"In a completely rational society, the best of us would aspire to be teachers and the rest of us would have to settle for something less, because passing civilization along from one generation to the next ought to be the highest honor and highest responsibility anyone could have."
- Lee Iacocca
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Things Not To Say Or Do At A Job Interview
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in’ job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for- ‘2000 Flushes’
Over-emphasise your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would have little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking is free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
Ask secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during interview.
Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’
When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout, “You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?”, and run out of the room.
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; ‘smell these, these smell funny to you???’
Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Want Ad Translations for Employees
Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organisational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Ghetto Hikes
This guy takes inner-city kids on hikes,
then writes down the stuff they say.
I'm sort of embarrassed about how much I laughed at this.
(via)
So you think you know everything?
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula.”
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister and was a sniper in Vietnam.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
… NOW you know everything.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Website Wednesday 15.12
"Peeing like a baby on a changing table
into the brisk digital wind..."
The first time I ever saw a universal remote
control,
I thought to myself, “Well, this changes everything.”
I thought to myself, “Well, this changes everything.”
Top of the Heap: 22 Looks Your Best Friend Knows Better Than Anyone
Everything You Need to Know About Doughnuts
17 Facts About Coca-Cola The Company Does NOT Want You To Know
How to easily clean stove top grates
Leave it to our cousins across the Pond to develop poop-powered buses (Thanks, Melody!)
15 Jokes That Only Geologists Will Fully Understand (yeah, they're not that hard to get...)
and... 15 Jokes That Only Biologists Will Fully Understand (again, pretty easy...)
Want to Get to Know Someone? Make 'em Laugh
The Beatles Worst Experience
A guy makes phony self-help books and leaves them at a local bookstore
The Science of Near-Death Experiences
Even a Mars One finalist thinks the mission is deeply flawed
Free With Purchase: The Age of Trading Stamps
How to Survive the College Admissions Madness
Some Creepy Stuff on Google Maps
19 Brilliant Garage Hacks
Website Wednesday archives
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