Stuff I Learned in College

If you set up a mini basketball hoop in the living room of your off-campus house, be prepared not to collect your security deposit when you vacate the premises.

The law against driving while intoxicated should also apply to bicycles.

It is nearly impossible to eat three pieces of white bread in less than a minute without some sort of liquid,

Under no circumstances should you challenge the Baseball or Lacrosse fraternity to a snowball fight.

Sliced hot dogs do not make a good addition to spaghetti sauce.

Cafeteria trays can make excellent sleds.

What you major in during college may end up being no more than good party conversation.

Hiding multiple alarm clocks set to odd hours of the night in a friend’s bedroom will not result in a happy friend.

A large peanut butter, jelly and cheese sandwich with bacon on a roll is possibly the best-tasting thing on the planet – at 3am.

Public urination is not something of which to be proud.

It is best to reserve the words, “I love you” for dates subsequent to the first.

If you have stomach flu, be sure to map out the nearest restroom before sitting down for an exam.

If you are bold enough to describe above irregularities in your bathroom habits to your professor, your professor will usually be kind enough to postpone the exam.

Even if offered $40, it is best not to drink a shot glass full of soy sauce on a dare.

If the cafeteria runs out of Cocoa Puffs, it is best not to look for more in the back rooms of the kitchen without permission.

If you live in a fraternity house, posting a note on your door asking people to be quiet does not usually have the intended results.

If you plan to run across campus naked, be sure that you do not knock yourself out by running into a low hanging branch of a centrally-located tree.

One cannot survive on Ramen noodles indefinitely.

Although difficult to conceive while partaking, being intoxicated does not make you more fun to be around.

Be very sure that your professor is not reading your weekly assignments before inserting the national anthem somewhere in the middle of one.

If the lights go out in the cafeteria due to a power shortage, everyone…  everyone… will begin to throw food.

When preparing for an exam, two liters of Mountain Dew is not a good substitute for 8 hours of sleep.

If you are caught climbing on the roof of a school-owned building, it is best not to tell the security personnel that you are intoxicated