Sunday, May 31, 2015
One day, in a small town...
A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”
Saturday, May 30, 2015
One day, in the Afghan desert...
A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried towards the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! “
“Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”.
Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your accursed brother won’t let me in without a tie”.
The Man on the Flying Trapeze
From the Spike Jones LP - The Best of Spike Jones, this is Doodles Weaver at his best.
Sidebar - I won a talent show competition in grade school by lip-synching this song...
Sidebar - I won a talent show competition in grade school by lip-synching this song...
Friday, May 29, 2015
Clap your hands...
If you were praised for being smart as a child and now feel crippling sensations of inadequacy when you don't know how to do something perfectly clap your hands
Saved by the Teeth
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth.” The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his briefcase and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.
The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair… try these.” The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth… try them.”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker.”
Thursday, May 28, 2015
The English Language is Nuts
15 Grammatically Correct Sentences That
Prove How Crazy the English Language Is
1. All the faith he had had had had no effect on his life.
2. Wouldn't the sentence, "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?
3. The old man the boats.
4. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
5. Whether the weather be fine
Or whether the weather be not
Whether the weather be cold
Or whether the weather be hot
We'll weather the weather
Whatever the weather
Whether we like it or not.
6. You have just begun reading the sentence you just finished reading.
7. One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one two.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
8. The horse raced past the barn fell.
9. I sometimes read read as read, when it's supposed to be read as read.
10. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
Okay, let's break that one down. What it's saying is, essentially,
"Bison from Buffalo, New York, who are intimidated by other
bison in their community, also happen to intimidate other bison
in their community.
11. "I see," said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
12. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.
13. James and Billy were asked to write about their weekend. Billy wrote, "I had had some ice cream over the weekend." James wrote, "I had had some ice cream over the weekend." James, while Billy had had had, had had had had. "Had had" had been the correct answer.
14. "I never said she stole my money."
If you place an emphasis one one word at a time, it changes the meaning
*I* never said she stole my money.
I *never* said she stole my money.
I never *said* she stole my money.
15. Have you ever noticed that read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead? Also, read and lead don't rhyme. Neither do read and lead.
(via)
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Website Wednesday 15.21
"Peeing like a baby on a
changing table
into the brisk digital wind..."
into the brisk digital wind..."
Whoever snuck the “s” into “fast food”
was a
marketing
GENIUS
Top of the Heap: 18 Mouthwatering Facts About In-N-Out Burger
11 Super-Cool Science Photos From the Past Decade
How Our World Will Change in the Next 10 Years (according to 10 science-fiction writers)
What we know so far about Indiana Jones 5
Printing a wall-sized world map
The Evolution of the 22 Greatest Aliens in Star Wars
27 Unintentionally Hilarious Movies That Are So Bad They’re Great
The confused millennial's guide to Seinfeld
19 things you didn't know you wanted
10 Life Hacks Every College Student Should Know
Everyday Things That Look Amazing in Slow Motion (Thanks, Melody!)
Genius Tricks Every iPad and iPhone User Needs to Know
Brilliant Ways to Subtly Mess With People
13 Pics That Only Become Inappropriate If You Keep Staring At Them (WARNING: Some are a tad NSFW)
~ and, finally ~
Natural Gas Report - a roundup of farts in the news
Website Wednesday archives
(If you'd like to subscribe to the Website Wednesday mailing list,
shoot
me an email and let me know)
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
Memorial Monday Mind Game
A bus driver was heading down a street in Colorado. He went right past
a stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a "no left
turn" sign and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he went on
the left side of the road past a cop car. Still - he didn't break any traffic
laws. Why not?
Give up?
Drag
your cursor between the asterisks for the answer
*
He was
walking.
*
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Game of Thrones Quiz
Think of a character from Game of Thrones.
Not think of that character's father.
His oldest sibling.
Their spouse/lover.
Their nephew.
The character you should now have is...
Dead.
(Thanks, Andi!)
Saturday, May 23, 2015
God's Three Mistakes
...are, in this order...
1. MUSTARD
2. PICKLES
3. and ANYTHING ELSE I DON'T LIKE
1. MUSTARD
I had an unfortunate experience with mustard as a child
2. PICKLES
Pickles are nothing more than cucumbers soaked in pure evil.
3. and ANYTHING ELSE I DON'T LIKE
Which includes, but is not necessarily limited to:
One day, at the doctor's office
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I
need to lose weight fast."
The doctor ponders the request for a bit, and then replies, "Well, there IS a new,
experimental treatment that you might want to consider. It was developed by a medical team in Switzerland. It’s called 'Reverse
Ingestion,' and the way it works is, instead of taking in your food orally, you actually reverse the process and insert it into your rectum.”
Two months
later, the woman shows back up at the office. "Doctor, it's a dream come true! I'm half
the size I was!"
But the
doctor notices that she is repeatedly bouncing up and down, so he asks,
"Where did you get that nervous twitch?"
The woman
replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch; I'm chewing bubble gum."
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