The Top 32 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

 32. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 

 31. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Scarlett Johansson had a baby!"

 30. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

 29. "Well, couldn't they induce labor?  The 25th is the Super Bowl."

 28. "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard

     Simmons fella."

 27. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea.  Boy, that's gotta hurt."

 26. "Whoa!  For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Melissa McCarthy!"

 25. "I'm jealous!  Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

 24. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

 23. "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"

 22. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

 21. "Got milk?"

 20. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

 19. "Man!  That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

 18. "Retaining water?  Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

 17. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."

 16. "Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."

 15. "Keys are on the fridge, honey.  I'll see you at the hospital at half-time."

 14. "Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he didn't mean two orcas."

 13. "Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!"

 12. "Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!"

 11. "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"

 10. "Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?"

   9. "What's the big deal?  If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle aa

     baby coming out."

   8. "Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?"

   7. "Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"

   6. "That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!"

   5. "You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive."

   4. "Oh, this is just great!  Now, on top of everything else, child support."

   3. "Yo, Fatass!  You're blocking the TV!"

   2. "No, I don't know where the remote is!  Have you looked under your breasts?"

and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...

   1. "I know today's your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that's 

    a reason to celebrate, too."