Travel tip: If you're ever
in plane crash in the Andes, eat the vegetarians first.
~~~~~
Police arrested a couple
of kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one, and
they let the other one off.
~~~~~
“Where do you see
yourself in five years?”
“I don’t know, I don’t
have 2020 vision.”
~~~~~
The inventor of throat
lozenges has died.
There’ll be no coffin at
his funeral.
~~~~~
I told my yoga instructor to teach me the splits.
She asked, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t do weekdays.”
~~~~~
My girlfriend said she’s
going to leave me because of my gambling problem.
Bulls*@t. She’s
bluffing.
What do you call an amputee who can’t answer riddles?
Stumped.
(I’ll show myself out…)
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