Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I
laced your martini with a measles vaccine. You’re autistic now.
~~~~~
Attendance at my support group for people who've
accidentally been turned invisible has been just awful. I think.
~~~~~
I just saw a bird eat a worm. It’s 7 in the evening. I’ve been getting up
early for nothing.
~~~~~
I know a lot of commercials are only 10-15
seconds on YouTube, but I still make a point to skip them at the 5-second mark
because I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
~~~~~
The first time I ever saw a universal
remote control I thought to myself, “Well, this changes everything.”
~~~~~
I went into my son’s room
yesterday with a tape measure. I stood about 5 feet away from him and slowly
extended the tape until it was repeatedly poking him in the chest. He asked,
"What are you doing??" And I told him, "I'm measuring your
patience."
~~~~~
The thing about using a high-tech
toilet is that everyone knows the exact MMMMMOOOOment the bidet hits you.
~~~~~
If “womb is pronounced “woom”, and “tomb” is pronounced
“toom”, shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced “boom”?
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